Egyptian Blackadder
by Bobby South
Summary: The Story of Cleopatra in the Blackadder Universe.


Rowan Atkinson as Lord Edmund aka Lord Blackadder, sister of Queen Cleopatra

Tony Robinson as Baldrick, Blackadder's slave

Tim McInnerny as Lord Percy, Blackadder's friend

Miranda Richardson as Queen Cleopatra VII or Cleo

Stephen Fry as Julius Caesar

Rik Mayall as Ptolemy XIII, brother of Blackadder and Cleopatra

Hugh Laurie as Octavian

Pasty Byrne as Nursie aka Bernard, Queen Cleopatra's nurse

_You know the story of Cleopatra. Last Queen of Egypt, Caesar and Antony are her lovers, but not her brother which she married for some Egyptian traditional manner reason... But here is the _real _story of Cleopatra and her never-mentioned-before brother. _

* * *

><p>Julius Caesar walked to the throne of Egypt. "Greetings, Lord Pharaoh!" he smiled at Ptolemy.<p>

"Why, hello there, mighty, strong and fat Caesar!" smiled Ptolemy. They did their secret handshake – they high-fived each other high and low, they locked arms and danced around like mad men and finally they bumped each other with their rear behinds. Then they sat down.

"Well, you chicks don't get paid for just standing there with your miserable ugly faces; bring some food and wine! Woof!" shouted Ptolemy. Then he turned to Caesar. "So, buddy bud, what brings you to Egypt?"

"Well, my old friend Pompey has betrayed me and fought against me in the Roman Civil War, but I defeated him in battle and he fled to Alexandria. You know, why is this place still named after one of Egypt's enemies? Why couldn't you change its name?"

"Because it will prove that we Egyptians show that Alex bastard who's really the best and it shows us Egyptians don't take no crap off our enemies! Woof!" replied Ptolemy. "Anyway, where is my big useless brother? Get me the Captain of the Guards!"

Soon the Captain of the Guards, Ptolemy's brother Edmund but called himself Lord Blackadder, arrived. He was wearing black Egyptian clothes all over. "Yes?"

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, you royal high arsehead of a brother?" Blackadder said.

"Enemy of young Julius here is somewhere in Alexandria and you haven't found him yet!" complained Ptolemy.

"How can I be expected to find someone who I don't know about or never heard off?" asked Blackadder.

"Well, what kind of Captain of the Guards do you call yourself? If I didn't promise mummy and daddy that I would look after you, I would banish you."

"Like you did to our sister, Cleopatra?"

"Well, she was a worst bitch than you are," replied Ptolemy.

"Where is that hot sister you're married to?" asked Julius.

"As hot as the sand and the heat... and her mother!" laughed Ptolemy. "Wait a minute! That's _my_ mother too."

* * *

><p>Later, Captain Blackadder ran to his room and sat down.<p>

"Is there a problem, my lord?" asked Baldrick, his slave, who poured some wine into his glass.

"Yes, Baldrick," replied Blackadder. "The problem is called "Taking orders and working hard for a prat of a brother who arse is as big as his brain – Small!"

"So what has he done today?"

"Only asked me why I haven't captured Pompey, Caesar's rival," replied Blackadder.

"Well, what are we going to do about it?" asked Lord Percy, entering the room.

"Well, shut you up for a start!" snapped Blackadder.

"My lord, I have a cunning plan to capture Pompey," Baldrick said.

"Baldrick, your previous cunning plans were as successful as people who fell into quick sands in the Sahara Desert," said Blackadder.

"But this one is different," insisted Baldrick. "We disguise ourselves like poor people, then we go over to the Library of Alexandria and we might capture him. Then your big brother might treat you better or maybe you will be Pharaoh.

"Hmm, not a bad plan, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "But if this plan fails for any reason, that'll be the last plan you ever think off!"

* * *

><p>So Blackadder, Baldrick and Percy dressed up like the common folk and stayed up all night at the Library.<p>

"This is so boring!" moaned Percy. "Edmund, can't we do something exciting? I'm not trained like you are."  
>"No wonder my brother hasn't made <em>you<em> Captain of the Guards," said Blackadder.

"Besides look at Baldrick reading those scrolls," said Percy.

Blackadder saw that Percy was right. They ran to Baldrick. "Where did you get these scrolls?"

"The librarian or something like that," replied Bladrick.

This made Blackadder think. "How long ago?"

"About a minute ago," replied Baldrick.

This made Blackadder think. He quickly lit a flaming torch and ran ahead into darkness. All Baldrick and Percy did was sit there and watch the flames go out and a bumping and banging and clanging. Baldrick lit a torch and they went into the darkness. They finally found Blackadder in a mess of swords and spears. There was someone next to him with swords and spears in his dead body.

"Either paint a painting of me like this, as it lasts longer, or get me out of this mess!" snapped Blackadder.

Baldrick helped Blackadder. Percy noticed something in a rolled-up rug. He unrolled it out and out reveal... Cleopatra!

"Ah, my little brother, Edmund!" she said moodily.

"Ah, my big bossy brainless sister, Cleo!" Blackadder moaned.

* * *

><p>Many years later, Blackadder was moping in his room all day.<p>

"Just perfect!" he moaned. "I found Pompey and kill him and I return Cleopatra back to the temple and what do I get? Nothing! The throne, a better room or a pay rise would be nice."

"Maybe she wants you to be happy," thought Percy.

"Those are the things _would_ make me happy, sand brain!" snapped Blackadder, pouring sand on his head.

"At least you're living in the temple were you were born and raised," said Baldrick.

"But never respected," Blackadder sighed. "And another thing: I hate Caesar! He did kill Ptolemy for Cleo which he deserved, but he didn't give me any praise and he's married Cleo!"

"If it makes you happy, _she_ doesn't seem happy that he's not always here to see her and she can't go to Rome to see him," said Percy.

Blackadder smiled, not because of what Percy said but he had an idea.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Cleo was laughing her head off at Blackadder.<p>

"Oh, Eddie, you always made me laugh," she laughed. "You always made me laugh so much, it's hard to take you seriously."

"He's not the only one you found not to take seriously," said Nursie, her nurse. "You never took your studies seriously or anything your mother or father tried to teach you. You always said you had your beauty and your brains and..."

"Shut up, Nursie!" snapped Cleo.

"My name isn't Nursie!" protested Nursie.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," said Cleo. "Shut up, Bernard!"

"But, sis, you must miss dear Julius," said Blackadder.

"Well, you see, he's not here getting drunk too much, he's not sweaty in bed and I don't have to calm him down and hear his excuses of getting stress," said Cleo. "However, I will take away your burdens of being Captain of the Guard and make you the new jester!"

But five minutes into his new job, Blackadder was boring Cleo and a man who came from Rome.

"Boring!" groaned Cleo. "Five minutes ago I gave you a job and how do you thank me? By boring me and our Roman guest?"

"Who is this man anyway?" asked Blackadder.

"This is Mark Anthony," answered Cleo. "Julius sent him here to see how Egypt's doing and how perfect it is for his arrival next week."

"Now how about a tour of this magnificent country?" asked Mark.

"No problem, Mark Hawk!" smiled Cleo. She led the way and Mark slapped her on the behind.

Blackadder saw it. "She's having an affair!" he whispered to Percy and Baldrick.

"This gives me an idea!" exclaimed Percy.

"Let's hope it's better than Baldrick's previous plans... and yours too," warned Blackadder.

* * *

><p>Percy's plan was to take the next boat to Rome, go over to Caesar's Temple and report Cleo's affair with Mark to Julius in exchange for the throne of Egypt. And that's just what they did. Well, they did the first and the second parts of the plan, but when they sneaked into the temple, dressed as Roman soldiers, they couldn't find Julius.<p>

"My lord, do you think Caesar will have changed?" asked Baldrick.

"Of course, Baldrick," answered Blackadder. "He changed when he married Cleo and had his best friend killed."

"No, I meant, has he lost his hair, put on more weight, his teeth rotten a bit more?" Baldrick said.

"I don't know," said Blackadder, drawing his sword. "But I'm on the alert and when I see him – " Then Caesar was standing in front of him. His mouth was wide opened. Blackadder looked down and saw blood coming out of his stomach, connecting to his sword held by his hand. "Oh, shit!"

"You're going to the toilet?" asked Baldrick.

* * *

><p>Six months later, Blackadder, wearing Roman Slavery clothes, was clearing the mucky straws out of the horse stables.<p>

"Oh, God!" moaned Blackadder. "This stinks! Not only where the horses live where they go to the toilet, but my chance of ruling Egypt is ruined."

"Not _my_ fault you killed Caesar, Edmund," said Percy, dressed as a Roman's Butler.

"But it was _you_ who told me to tell Caesar's secretary that Mark Anthony was having an affair with Cleopatra!" shouted Blackadder. "But they didn't believe me and they thought we were starting a war. So they sent an army to invade Egypt, but Cleo and Mark never liked wars so they left it to their army leaders and decided to commit suicide. And now it's in Roman hands! And as if that weren't bad enough, I'm a slave, you're a butler and Baldrick's Stables Master!"

"So you know your place, hey, Blackadder?" Stables Master Baldrick walked to them. "Very good."  
>"Yes, Baldrick, it is," sighed Blackadder. A whip on his shoulder made him realise his mistake. "I meant, 'Yes, sir. It is'."<p>

"Good, because you are now no longer royalty," said Baldrick. "And since you helped the Romans sink Egypt to the sand and drove your sister and her boyfriend to commit suicide, time for you to move on. Onto that cart and do the other stables! Move! And, Percy, get me a jug of water. All this supervising is hard work."

Blackadder growled as he got on the cart and moved on to do the other horse stables, which is what he did for the rest of his life.


End file.
